Thinking of a number, between 1 and infinity...

...And it's not my phone number.

There is year-long contest for the worst "seal the deal" lines a man could use on a woman. I think I may have met the top ten finalists in the last six months alone.

Counting 'em down!

1.) First there was Adrian. The handsome executive. He wasn't really my type, but seemed nice enough. Until... "You should come to Paris with me. You'd love it there! Not like my wife. She hates it." Which in turn gets a response of, "Thanks so much for the drink, Adrian. It was nice meeting you." As I turn and walk away.

2.) Then there was Paul: The high school math teacher and football coach. A little more my speed. Wearing ripped jeans (and not the $100 a pair kind), a cotton tee shirt, baseball hat and some scruff. [Note: I love a man who hasn't shaved his face in a day or two. Yum.] "You remind me of one of my students. This girl in my 10th grade algebra class. She's a hot little thing for a 15 year old." Ok, men: Comparing a grown woman to a 15 year old is not a good idea. Talking about your 15 year old students as "hot little things" is NEVER a good idea. I'm not all that interested in future pedophiles. Or potential pedophiles. Or actual pedophiles. Basically anything involving pedophiles.

3.) Nathan. He was interesting. No conversation, no offer of a drink, nothing. He just walked right up to me, confident as ever, and put his hand in my front jeans pocket and started rubbing my thigh. "You're beautiful. I want to take you out for a Big Mac and a movie." Alright, I will admit, just because it was hysterical, I actually gave him my number. And we did go out for a Big Mac and a movie. (It doesn't take much to make me happy. I don't need fancy dinners and all that.) Nothing came from it after that. I never called him back or answered his calls. He wasn't all that bright.

4.) Then Thadius. A virgin by choice. He refuses to have sex until he gets married. Whatever, we all have our beliefs and what-not. But I got needs! "I'm not going to sleep with you, but you can give me a blow job if you want." he says. I'll pass, thanks.

5.) Guy. "This is my friend, Kiki. We want you to come back to her place with us. We'll have some fun." As they each grabbed an ass cheek of mine. Yea... Not really my thing. But I'm flattered.

6.) Matthias. "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Fairuza Balk?" Goodbye. (Note: Not really his fault, just a personal pet peeve of mine.)

7.) Jake. Jakey boy. Fresh out of college and no clue what the fuck to do with his life from here. "Wow! You probably make great money at your job. I bet you spoil the guys that you date. We should really exchange numbers and try to make something out of this." He may have had a better shot if he just flat out asked me to be his Sugga Momma.

8.) Then there's Billy. Really thought we might've gotten along well. "You want to come back to my place for coffee? We should leave now though, my daughter will be coming home from her date in an hour or so." You have a daughter old enough to date? I clearly misjudged his age. He looked a hell of a lot younger than he turned out to be. Sure, "age ain't nothin' but a number" but I have to draw the line somewhere.

9.) Cal. The 29-year-old stock broker. Successful yet grounded. He was really down to earth, laid back, and casual. You would never know he was a stock broker until he told you. (He definitely didn't dress the part. Which I loved.) "Can we go to your place? My roommates are kind of a pain the ass." I said it was fine. Because it was. Not even in the door 10 minutes, making out for 5 and his phone rings. "Mom, I said I would be home before three! Relax!" Roommates? Is that we're calling our parents these days?

10.) David. "So, are we going to fuck tonight or what?" You have to really be something special to say that to me (when we've met an hour ago) and get away with it. Needless to say, David was nothing to write home about. Not even on a postcard. Especially with stamp prices going up again.

Maybe I'm being too picky?

Regardless... That's 0 for 10.
And I need to get laid.