The City Cynic is getting more and more cynical as the days go by. I'll be the first to admit it, I've been very bitter (even more bitter than normal) this past week. My boss is all over my ass. And not in a sexual way. The IRS is trying to rape me of hard earned money I've received from side jobs. (1099 What? Yea... I'm new at this.)
Let's review the logic.
I do a side job. (Painting murals and/or framed artwork and/or sell framed photographs.) The client simply cuts me a check for an amount we both think is fair for time/materials. I finish the job/produce the product. I cash the check. We call it a day.
APPARENTLY, the client is obligated to send me a 1099 form at the end of the year for work done. None of which I've gotten. So when I filed my taxes, got my returns (thank you US Government for pretending to give a shit and sending me some of my rightfully owed tax money back including the stimulus check) then five months later, I get a call. "Ms. City Cynic? You're being audited."
Fucking sweet.
Turns out I owe roughly $3,018.75 in taxes on unclaimed income. Whoops. Now here's the kicker. Had they known about that in the beginning, when I filed my taxes... They would have known that the amount I owe was not too far away from the total they gave me back. They could have just kept their fuckin return and I could have paid the difference.
No. They wait until they're sure you've spent the return. Just to REALLY screw with you. And then they expect you to just have a few grand lying around. "You have 90 days to settle the debt with the United States Government before late fees and interest are assessed."
Awesome.
Yea. That makes sense. If I can't come up with the money now. Just add more and give me a 15 day extension. I'll definitely be able to come up with it by then.
How do I come up with the money you ask?
I sign myself on to another side job. One I don't really have the time for at the moment. (What with my birthday party tonight, leaving for California in six days, leaving for Atlanta in 35 days, my step-sister's wedding coming up which involves, trying on dresses, planning a shower/bachelorette party, etc, and my social life all getting in the way.) But I signed on for it anyway. Getting a deposit from the client in a week.
Taxes paid!
[[Fuckin 1099s...]]
Friday, August 22, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Naughty By Nature (Not 'cuz I hate'chya)!
Headed back to the old homestead again last weekend for the Metro New York Balloon Festival. Three days of music, monster trucks, helicopter rides, hot air balloons in the shape of Darth Vader's helmet, the Energizer Bunny, and a T-Rex with WWF wrestlers, vendors galore, some good rock cover bands, a beer tent fully stocked with Sam Adams Summer and Heine, and a little bit of hip hop.
This year, Long Island's Party 105 (otherwise known as Long Island's most annoying radio station playing nothing but "party hits") hosted Saturday's night's musical talents (or lack thereof is some cases) and called it MegaJam.
*******************************
A group of about 25 of us, all friends and family, occupied the beer tent for the entire duration of the festival on Saturday. [I'm not sure if this is a disgrace or an accomplishment.] We made friends with the skydivers teaching them what it means to NOT break the seal, watching videos of their jump earlier in the afternoon from Eddie's helmet cam, and "breaking it down" to some really bad local, no-name rappers.
My buddy Ben gangs up on me with Eddie (our new sky diver friend) and convinces me that I need to go sky diving. Ben has been before and has been dying to go back but can't find anyone to go with him.
"Come on, Dean! You have to come! You're the only broad crazy enough to do it."
"Fine." I've kind of always wanted to anyway, just been too afraid. Ben won't let me be afraid, so I guess now's a good a time as any.
Then. Here it comes. The highlight of my evening. When the radio personalities came on stage to announce the headliner for the weekend... NAUGHTY... BY... NATURE! I was pumped. How could I not be? Christ! I practically grew up on "Feel Me Flow" and "Ghetto Bastard". This is when I turn to Eddie (who had gorgeous blue eyes, shaggy blond hair and a boyish smile to die for) to see the look of excitement on his face.
Turns out Eddie grew up just a few blocks from my house, went to the neighboring school and is a few years older than me. So Naughty By Nature should be something exciting for him to see. Even if he didn't listen to them back in the day, it should take him back a bit, which can be a great thing.
"Who's this?" He asks.
"What? This is Naughty By Nature! You don't know who Naughty By Nature is?!"
"No."
"Where the hell were you during the 90s?"
Thinking to myself, maybe he just doesn't know their name. But I'm sure he'll know who they are when they play "Hip-Hop Hooray" and "O.P.P."
...He never heard of them. They didn't sound familiar to him at all. This is when I realize, after doing the statistics in my head (12 jumps a day, 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year) that after some 21,000 sky dives over the last seven years, he must've hit his head a lot.
Or he's musically retarded.
He asked for my number at the end of the night, and I was tempted to give him the old "It's not you, well, who am I kidding, it is you." But instead I just gave him my number and said I would be by sometime soon to sky dive.
When I say soon... I mean when I get over the fear of shitting myself on the way down and get the balls to go down to the airport. That, or when Ben drags me there/tricks me into going. Whichever comes first.
****************************
Eddie hasn't called. Which is a good thing.
Though I am afraid. He mentioned being out and about in the city this weekend and was looking for a tour guide/companion to spend the weekend with.
Fingers crossed that he doesn't call.
This year, Long Island's Party 105 (otherwise known as Long Island's most annoying radio station playing nothing but "party hits") hosted Saturday's night's musical talents (or lack thereof is some cases) and called it MegaJam.
*******************************
A group of about 25 of us, all friends and family, occupied the beer tent for the entire duration of the festival on Saturday. [I'm not sure if this is a disgrace or an accomplishment.] We made friends with the skydivers teaching them what it means to NOT break the seal, watching videos of their jump earlier in the afternoon from Eddie's helmet cam, and "breaking it down" to some really bad local, no-name rappers.
My buddy Ben gangs up on me with Eddie (our new sky diver friend) and convinces me that I need to go sky diving. Ben has been before and has been dying to go back but can't find anyone to go with him.
"Come on, Dean! You have to come! You're the only broad crazy enough to do it."
"Fine." I've kind of always wanted to anyway, just been too afraid. Ben won't let me be afraid, so I guess now's a good a time as any.
Then. Here it comes. The highlight of my evening. When the radio personalities came on stage to announce the headliner for the weekend... NAUGHTY... BY... NATURE! I was pumped. How could I not be? Christ! I practically grew up on "Feel Me Flow" and "Ghetto Bastard". This is when I turn to Eddie (who had gorgeous blue eyes, shaggy blond hair and a boyish smile to die for) to see the look of excitement on his face.
Turns out Eddie grew up just a few blocks from my house, went to the neighboring school and is a few years older than me. So Naughty By Nature should be something exciting for him to see. Even if he didn't listen to them back in the day, it should take him back a bit, which can be a great thing.
"Who's this?" He asks.
"What? This is Naughty By Nature! You don't know who Naughty By Nature is?!"
"No."
"Where the hell were you during the 90s?"
Thinking to myself, maybe he just doesn't know their name. But I'm sure he'll know who they are when they play "Hip-Hop Hooray" and "O.P.P."
...He never heard of them. They didn't sound familiar to him at all. This is when I realize, after doing the statistics in my head (12 jumps a day, 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year) that after some 21,000 sky dives over the last seven years, he must've hit his head a lot.
Or he's musically retarded.
He asked for my number at the end of the night, and I was tempted to give him the old "It's not you, well, who am I kidding, it is you." But instead I just gave him my number and said I would be by sometime soon to sky dive.
When I say soon... I mean when I get over the fear of shitting myself on the way down and get the balls to go down to the airport. That, or when Ben drags me there/tricks me into going. Whichever comes first.
****************************
Eddie hasn't called. Which is a good thing.
Though I am afraid. He mentioned being out and about in the city this weekend and was looking for a tour guide/companion to spend the weekend with.
Fingers crossed that he doesn't call.
Friday, August 1, 2008
I'm not afraid, I'm just terrified.
Reading a post by BB (http://blog.thebrooklynboy.net/2008/07/coffee-and-curses-brief-wondrous-life.html) who happens to be my favorite blogger... Got me thinking about my own life and relationships, lack thereof, destruction of, and denial of.
*********************
An interview with Dean. By Dean. In Dean's crazy head. (Try to follow, kids.)
Have you ever been in love? Yes. [No hesitation]
Are you still in love with that person? Possibly. Well, probably.
Would you ever do anything about it? No.
Are you willing to move on and get over him? Yes.
New relationships? Oh, you mean like a date or two and then become friends? Yea, I've got plenty of those. [Pause] But, that's not what you meant, is it?
No. That's not normal, is it?
No. Awesome.
Why did you only date these guys a few times? Is there anything wrong with them? You're asking if I'm too picky... The answer is no. It doesn't take much to make me happy.
Then what's the problem? Beats the hell out of me. As the interviewer, you should know the answers to these already. So wouldn't know you know what the problem was if there was one?
Don't change the subject. You're right. I'm sorry. Well, I'm half-sorry anyway.
Let's talk about the last guy... Ok.
Why did it just turn into friends and nothing more? I assume you decided on friendship and not him. True story. But dating him didn't... feel right.
Why? I couldn't tell you. Well, maybe because he wanted to know so much about me. I felt like I was being interviewed. Like I am now. Only, he genuinely cared. Whereas you probably don't.
You're right. I don't give a damn. But what was so wrong with him wanting to get to know you and caring about the things you had to say? Well, because he wanted to know EVERYTHING. He wanted me to express my feelings. Which I just don't do. And he wanted me to tell him things from my past which as a whole, I am not comfortable admitting to.
Like what for instance? I just said I'm not comfortable admitting to it.
You're just scared. I am not scared! I have nothing to be afraid of.
That's a lie. You're afraid he'll be like the others. You remember how bad it hurt when you finally allowed yourself to fall in love and then you were left alone? Yes.
You don't want that again. Well, who would?!
Someone who realizes that life is too damn short. I know how short life is. If anyone knows how fucking short life is, it's me! I wrote the book on short lives!
What are getting at? Do you have a point? I thought I did. But I lost myself back there.
The point is, you're just a big coward. So what if I am? Is that so wrong?
No. But you're only hurting yourself. I'm aware. No harm, no foul. Is that quote even appropriate right now?
Not really. You can't be strong and petrified at the same time. But I want to be.
Well... You can't always get what you want. Alright. You're starting to sound like my dad. Our dad. Dad. Whatever!
Don't get pissed because I'm right. I'm not pissed. I'm just done having this conversation. And you're not right.
I am right! Sure, walk away because you're mad! Just like you always do! You're so damn predictable! Fuck off!!
***************
There you have it.
I'm not only a coward and throw temper tantrums like a child, but I am also a certifiable fucking nut case. (Strictly here for your entertainment, of course.)
[[Note to self: No more interviews with that nazi. She's too damn nosy and thinks she knows everything.]]
*********************
An interview with Dean. By Dean. In Dean's crazy head. (Try to follow, kids.)
Have you ever been in love? Yes. [No hesitation]
Are you still in love with that person? Possibly. Well, probably.
Would you ever do anything about it? No.
Are you willing to move on and get over him? Yes.
New relationships? Oh, you mean like a date or two and then become friends? Yea, I've got plenty of those. [Pause] But, that's not what you meant, is it?
No. That's not normal, is it?
No. Awesome.
Why did you only date these guys a few times? Is there anything wrong with them? You're asking if I'm too picky... The answer is no. It doesn't take much to make me happy.
Then what's the problem? Beats the hell out of me. As the interviewer, you should know the answers to these already. So wouldn't know you know what the problem was if there was one?
Don't change the subject. You're right. I'm sorry. Well, I'm half-sorry anyway.
Let's talk about the last guy... Ok.
Why did it just turn into friends and nothing more? I assume you decided on friendship and not him. True story. But dating him didn't... feel right.
Why? I couldn't tell you. Well, maybe because he wanted to know so much about me. I felt like I was being interviewed. Like I am now. Only, he genuinely cared. Whereas you probably don't.
You're right. I don't give a damn. But what was so wrong with him wanting to get to know you and caring about the things you had to say? Well, because he wanted to know EVERYTHING. He wanted me to express my feelings. Which I just don't do. And he wanted me to tell him things from my past which as a whole, I am not comfortable admitting to.
Like what for instance? I just said I'm not comfortable admitting to it.
You're just scared. I am not scared! I have nothing to be afraid of.
That's a lie. You're afraid he'll be like the others. You remember how bad it hurt when you finally allowed yourself to fall in love and then you were left alone? Yes.
You don't want that again. Well, who would?!
Someone who realizes that life is too damn short. I know how short life is. If anyone knows how fucking short life is, it's me! I wrote the book on short lives!
What are getting at? Do you have a point? I thought I did. But I lost myself back there.
The point is, you're just a big coward. So what if I am? Is that so wrong?
No. But you're only hurting yourself. I'm aware. No harm, no foul. Is that quote even appropriate right now?
Not really. You can't be strong and petrified at the same time. But I want to be.
Well... You can't always get what you want. Alright. You're starting to sound like my dad. Our dad. Dad. Whatever!
Don't get pissed because I'm right. I'm not pissed. I'm just done having this conversation. And you're not right.
I am right! Sure, walk away because you're mad! Just like you always do! You're so damn predictable! Fuck off!!
***************
There you have it.
I'm not only a coward and throw temper tantrums like a child, but I am also a certifiable fucking nut case. (Strictly here for your entertainment, of course.)
[[Note to self: No more interviews with that nazi. She's too damn nosy and thinks she knows everything.]]
Ingenuity.
Creativity
Sparking Electricity
Igniting Productivity
Provoking Convoluted Simplicity.
Sensitivity
Shaping Durability
Conquering Elasticity
Mocking Absent Connectivity.
Deniability
Rejecting Vulnerability
Insisting Continuity
Inviting Unprejudiced Fluidity.
Results?
Unyielding
Un-Shielding
Relentless
Emotionally
Handicapped
Son
Of
A
Bitch.
Me.
Sparking Electricity
Igniting Productivity
Provoking Convoluted Simplicity.
Sensitivity
Shaping Durability
Conquering Elasticity
Mocking Absent Connectivity.
Deniability
Rejecting Vulnerability
Insisting Continuity
Inviting Unprejudiced Fluidity.
Results?
Unyielding
Un-Shielding
Relentless
Emotionally
Handicapped
Son
Of
A
Bitch.
Me.
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