NYC Cynic will be cynical elsewhere.

My phone has officially crapped out. It's not entirely the phone's fault. In a mad rush to leave my meeting over the weekend (which went REALLY well by the way) and hop on the next subway downtown, I dropped my phone in a puddle at E65th and Third.

Awesome.

[Sorry to those I had plans with/was trying to make plans with/promised phone calls that never occured. Had I not been such a fucktard, shit would've worked out better. Or I like to think it would've.]

*******************

So the New York City Cynic might just have to be her cynical old self (and possibly even more cynical than ever) back in her old homestead. Until God knows when.

Things with my dad have taken a turn for the worse. He's in another coma (I swear, he's only doing this to keep me on my toes) and my step-mom, the nurse, is no help... ironically.

My sister is falling apart, my brother is "disappearing" like he always does when shit goes down that he doesn't know how to handle. And trust me, if I could do it, I would be disappearing too. It's what we thick-headed Irish do. Shit gets tough, I pour another drink and slip into a world where I don't have to deal, because I don't want to deal, and I don't know how to deal.

But someone has to be the adult here. And that someone is almost always me. So in the next few days I will be deciding on whether or not I am OK with taking a leave of absence from my job, letting my lease run out, and moving all my shit, an entire apartment's worth and a few pets into a shoebox sized bedroom until shit either ends or gets better.

I sound really bitter and blunt about this whole thing, I'm sure. But I cannot let myself get too "down" about it anymore. It's too depressing, too draining, and gets me nowhere in the end anyway.

Taking this all with a sense of realism and being prepared for all things. A miracle, and the worst.

From NYC to ATL and back again.

Dean is back in good 'ole New York. And back to work as well. (God, I did NOT miss this place, that's for sure.) The trip went well. A little hectic with somewhat of a tight schedule.

Because I have much work to do and not a lot of time to do it, I'm going to make this short and sweet:

I got offered a contract. Yup, a contract. If I sign the paperwork, they publish my book. And maybe one day you might be able to find it at a book store near you.

Don't get too excited just yet! This a very complicated process. My lawyer and I will look over the contract together one night this week and deteremine whether or not this is something I actually want to go through with. (Contracts can get sticky... I want to make sure I know all about it before I just dive in!)

...Will most definitely report back as soon as I know anything.

Leavin' On A Jet Plane.

I'm leaving for Atlanta tomorrow morning to find my fate.

I've got "Under Pressure" (Queen ft. David Bowie) playing in my head right now. And I can't help but smile.

No matter the outcome, no matter how anxious I am, I am thrilled to see what the world (or one publisher) really thinks of my life and my work. A memoir of a mess. (Not the title, but it pretty much sums it all up!)

For those of you know who: I've been rackin' my brain trying to find an "ending" to the book without making it end. Everything felt so final to me. I must've rewritten the last two chapters a hundred times. I'm in my twenties and it's a story of my life. And my life's not over. So the book can't have such a final ending.

So I found an alternative.

Thanks to a recent discussion with an old flame, I finally found the premise behind the final chapter of a book about my beginning. Not my life.

He had unanswered questions boggling his mind. "What went wrong with us? We were great, why wouldn't you just let me in?" This is a conversation we've had (many times) before. And much to his disappointment, I have not been able to fully answer everything he's wanted to know. Mostly because the little amount that I could muster up and put into words and coherent sentences, I was too afraid to utter.

The final chapter is the explanation. It's why I was so afraid to let him in. To let anyone in. To trust people. To open up. To really be the real Dean. It's finally a step into the mind behind all of the bad decision making, all of the stories, all of the rumors, the truths, the feelings, the fears, the love, and the life of me.

And then I explain the anonymity of it all. For those that are unaware, Dean is not my real name. It is a pen name I have used for years that almost no one knows exists. It is the one my clients know me as, the name I sell writings/paintings/photographs under. It is the one that I will (hopefully) publish a book under.

Should my closest family and friends, for whatever reason, decide to read the book, they will never know that I was the one who wrote it. All names/places have been changed. (And some specific details that would've given away my identity.)

But the mind will not change. I will always be the same me.

And they will never know why...
And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

IT LIVES!!!!! Barely.

I am alive, kids. Sorry for the absence.



An Update:

• Work is crazy right now. With New York looking like it might turn into rubble any day now, the stock market dropping rapidly on an hourly basis, banks folding and small businesses getting crushed, I have been on office lock-down. Someone's got to make sure we stay up and running! We're losing clients and aren't getting paid by others. We had a few clients high up on the food chain over at Lehman Brothers (and the like). Needless to say, they're holding onto every penny they've got right now. I can't say I blame them.

• Family is good and bad all at once. Dad was doing great, then doing horrible, then making progress, then at a standstill. I'm constantly on the phone with a few doctors, exchanging e-mails with others, and meeting in person with a select few. Yikes.

• Job #2 is getting "scared" of the financial situation right and is cutting hours left and right due to high payroll demands and such. So I am getting less and less hours there. (Which I'm alright with. I only work there to keep my insomniac mind busy and to keep from going crazy in the long, lonely, late night hours in which I should be sleeping if I could.)

• Side work is piling up. While no one is running to sign up for a custom mural (which I charge a pretty penny for) I have been committed to a few already (that have already paid me or partially paid me) and are looking to get the work completed. But with family life taking up most of my free time and attempting to keep a small social life alive, I'm finding it difficult to set aside the time to complete such tasks.

• The book. For those that are unaware, (and when I say those, I mean my one reader... who already knows...) I am leaving for Atlanta in 8 days to meet with a publishing company about a novel I (nearly) completed a few months back. They've already read 98% percent of the book, are awaiting my arrival to discuss it in person, and anxiously looking to receive the final two chapters (which I have NOT yet finished, not to MY satisfaction anyway).

• To sign or not to sign? The lease is up on my apartment in less than two months. It's a very nice place (some pictures have been posted here in the past) and it's huge. Which is nice. But I intend to travel more in the near future, and make some rather large purchases (keeping the details of those a secret for now) and am looking to save money when and where I can. Thinking about not resigning the lease and getting a newer, smaller place more fit for Doc and I. Someplace about half the size (thus half the price) to put some money away for future endeavors. Apartment hunting? Yea... I got time for that.

Taking deep breaths.

One at a time.

And trying not to drown in the greatest city in the world... New York.

Cloning is not on the market for everyday people, is it?

(Though, I don't think the world is ready for TWO Deans. Or one for that matter.)