I'm leaving for Atlanta tomorrow morning to find my fate.
I've got "Under Pressure" (Queen ft. David Bowie) playing in my head right now. And I can't help but smile.
No matter the outcome, no matter how anxious I am, I am thrilled to see what the world (or one publisher) really thinks of my life and my work. A memoir of a mess. (Not the title, but it pretty much sums it all up!)
For those of you know who: I've been rackin' my brain trying to find an "ending" to the book without making it end. Everything felt so final to me. I must've rewritten the last two chapters a hundred times. I'm in my twenties and it's a story of my life. And my life's not over. So the book can't have such a final ending.
So I found an alternative.
Thanks to a recent discussion with an old flame, I finally found the premise behind the final chapter of a book about my beginning. Not my life.
He had unanswered questions boggling his mind. "What went wrong with us? We were great, why wouldn't you just let me in?" This is a conversation we've had (many times) before. And much to his disappointment, I have not been able to fully answer everything he's wanted to know. Mostly because the little amount that I could muster up and put into words and coherent sentences, I was too afraid to utter.
The final chapter is the explanation. It's why I was so afraid to let him in. To let anyone in. To trust people. To open up. To really be the real Dean. It's finally a step into the mind behind all of the bad decision making, all of the stories, all of the rumors, the truths, the feelings, the fears, the love, and the life of me.
And then I explain the anonymity of it all. For those that are unaware, Dean is not my real name. It is a pen name I have used for years that almost no one knows exists. It is the one my clients know me as, the name I sell writings/paintings/photographs under. It is the one that I will (hopefully) publish a book under.
Should my closest family and friends, for whatever reason, decide to read the book, they will never know that I was the one who wrote it. All names/places have been changed. (And some specific details that would've given away my identity.)
But the mind will not change. I will always be the same me.
And they will never know why...
And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.
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2 comments:
There's no "supposed to" about anything. Keep making your own way. It is sometimes okay -- and necessary -- to be selfish.
Remember to breathe this weekend, and that your value as a person is not tied to what they think of the book. (Except if they think it's great, in which case that was ALL YOU AND YOUR AWESOMENESS. Ha.)
Do you, you literary superstar.
you have a very interesting story. so full of depth...
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