I'm not afraid, I'm just terrified.

Reading a post by BB (http://blog.thebrooklynboy.net/2008/07/coffee-and-curses-brief-wondrous-life.html) who happens to be my favorite blogger... Got me thinking about my own life and relationships, lack thereof, destruction of, and denial of.

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An interview with Dean. By Dean. In Dean's crazy head. (Try to follow, kids.)

Have you ever been in love? Yes. [No hesitation]
Are you still in love with that person? Possibly. Well, probably.
Would you ever do anything about it? No.
Are you willing to move on and get over him? Yes.

New relationships? Oh, you mean like a date or two and then become friends? Yea, I've got plenty of those. [Pause] But, that's not what you meant, is it?

No. That's not normal, is it?
No. Awesome.

Why did you only date these guys a few times? Is there anything wrong with them? You're asking if I'm too picky... The answer is no. It doesn't take much to make me happy.

Then what's the problem? Beats the hell out of me. As the interviewer, you should know the answers to these already. So wouldn't know you know what the problem was if there was one?

Don't change the subject. You're right. I'm sorry. Well, I'm half-sorry anyway.

Let's talk about the last guy... Ok.

Why did it just turn into friends and nothing more? I assume you decided on friendship and not him. True story. But dating him didn't... feel right.

Why? I couldn't tell you. Well, maybe because he wanted to know so much about me. I felt like I was being interviewed. Like I am now. Only, he genuinely cared. Whereas you probably don't.

You're right. I don't give a damn. But what was so wrong with him wanting to get to know you and caring about the things you had to say? Well, because he wanted to know EVERYTHING. He wanted me to express my feelings. Which I just don't do. And he wanted me to tell him things from my past which as a whole, I am not comfortable admitting to.

Like what for instance? I just said I'm not comfortable admitting to it.

You're just scared. I am not scared! I have nothing to be afraid of.

That's a lie. You're afraid he'll be like the others. You remember how bad it hurt when you finally allowed yourself to fall in love and then you were left alone? Yes.

You don't want that again. Well, who would?!

Someone who realizes that life is too damn short. I know how short life is. If anyone knows how fucking short life is, it's me! I wrote the book on short lives!

What are getting at? Do you have a point? I thought I did. But I lost myself back there.

The point is, you're just a big coward. So what if I am? Is that so wrong?

No. But you're only hurting yourself. I'm aware. No harm, no foul. Is that quote even appropriate right now?

Not really. You can't be strong and petrified at the same time. But I want to be.

Well... You can't always get what you want. Alright. You're starting to sound like my dad. Our dad. Dad. Whatever!

Don't get pissed because I'm right. I'm not pissed. I'm just done having this conversation. And you're not right.

I am right! Sure, walk away because you're mad! Just like you always do! You're so damn predictable! Fuck off!!

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There you have it.
I'm not only a coward and throw temper tantrums like a child, but I am also a certifiable fucking nut case. (Strictly here for your entertainment, of course.)

[[Note to self: No more interviews with that nazi. She's too damn nosy and thinks she knows everything.]]